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Mayfair nightclubs are some of the most coveted destinations in the country. At most clubs, the door staff are limited to a couple of butch blokes looking you aggressively up and down before eventually letting you in.

Mayfair clubs are more akin to Israeli passport control. It begins with a patience test: how long can you stand in line before you eventually decide to Foxtrot Oscar someplace else. As the bottles grow closer to the table the sparklers light up the sharp faces of men dressed in shirts and blazers, pocket squares and all, trying their best to look unimpressed at the display.

As the vodka goes down and their cash-filled briefcases grow ever emptier they begin to loosen up, ultimately inviting the miserable girls from earlier to their soulless table. Eventually they head home, alone, and drop Papa a text asking for more money. Granted, it must be a relentless and soul-destroying job, but the cleaners in Mayfair clubs have absolutely no chill. What you think is someone about to drop a mad twerk is actually more likely to be a cleaner throwing their bum out in despair of their night spent tending to bellends who get more money from their parents a week than they get in a year.

Would you want to clean up after these knobs?

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Everything about a Mayfair night oozes class. People wear classy dresses, drink classy vodkas and sit on classy sofas. Mayfair toilet attendants be like pic. Seemingly oblivious to the fact everyone is starting at them, these creepy clubbers swoop into unassuming groups of nineteen year old girls and offer to buy them a drink. As you walk up the stairs towards the fresh air above, you notice the eight boys who were next to you in the queue arguing with the door staff. Inevitably, one sightly famous person will walk in and you will go MAD.

Your bedroom aesthetic says it all.

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The mayfair club safari

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